Reyes Isabel36 My goal is to find my self by making YouTube videos were I can actualy be myself for once and laugh and have good times making them and hopefully other people can enjoy watching me?
I was eighteen years old the first time a man kissed me. The first time a man held me in his arms I shook uncontrollably, my entire body collapsing in upon itself. He held me closer, he comforted me, he ran his fingers through my hair.
I was eighteen and I had convinced myself I would never be held. Not in the way I ached for but could never ever admit. A couple months earlier there had been some fumbling with a stranger in his car.
He was the cousin of one of my classmates, or so he said. He asked for my phone number and a few days later he picked me up.
We drove out to a field. I thought I might be murdered, so I wrote a letter to my mother and hid it inside of my wallet, apologizing for being murdered. We sat in the field and he played some dirty rap song about blowjobs and then pushed my face into his lap. I saw him a couple times after that.
He stole some shirts from me and I never saw him again. I figured that was what I had. It was being murdered in a field, or it was AIDS. Hell-bound, ticket for one. The idea of a man holding me, telling me it was going to be okay - that was so far beyond what I imagined could be possible it was straight up science-fiction.
It would never, not ever, be okay.
And then a few months later I met a man. He was seven years older than me. My best friend and I were at the mall and this guy worked there and he seemed impossibly chic.
A conversation inside of a smile. He wanted to hang out. Everything about those days, looking back, it burns like looking at the sun. I can feel it on the back of my neck, the warmth of it, right now, here sitting at my desk.
The weekend after my 18th birthday he and I were standing in the kitchen of a friend of his in downtown Rochester; for some reason we were alone.
He came up to me, all of a sudden, and he kissed me. I can feel his stubble on my chin. His hands holding my elbows, stiff as boards. The kitchen table against the back of my thighs. And I kissed back - erratically, violently, presumably awfully.
A desperate thing gasping for air. Time loses meaning at this point - it folds out and in, minutes become days become months. Some time later - later that day, or weeks later - he and I were watching a movie on the floor of the living-room of the enormous house where he rented a room.
I had lied to my mother - this was right before I went to college - and told her I was going camping with "friends" for the weekend. I still had that letter to her in my wallet just in case.
His chest was hairy.As I look back on my fond childhood memories, easily one of the best were being outside (or inside) playing with toy guns, squirt guns, nerf guns, rubber band guns, fake laser guns that made noise, whatever kind of gun, I loved them.
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